Verbal de-escalation techniques for self defence
In our view, the aim of self defence is to avoid violence at all costs. Hopefully, you’ll do this by being switched on and steering well clear of dangerous situations.
However, life is unpredictable; sometimes a violent situation occurs unexpectedly and spontaneously.
In this case, you need to decide whether you can verbally de-escalate, get away, or respond with a pre-emptive strike/fight back.
This blog explains when verbal de-escalation is a suitable solution and how to do it effectively.
When to use verbal de-escalation
There are different types of violence and being aware of them will help you determine whether you can de-escalate verbally or not. It is important to be aware that you can’t de-escalate every situation.
Different types of violence
Social violence - mostly spontaneous
Anti-social violence - can be pre-meditated or spontaneous.
What is social violence?
Social violence happens in an emotionally-charged and spontaneous situation when the person feels disempowered, disrespected or that an injustice has occurred.
Examples could include spilling a drink on someone in a bar, bumping into them in the street, queue jumping, taking a parking spot, road rage, a car accident, or looking at someone’s partner.
In these situations, emotions rise, rational thinking is left behind and - if both parties are confrontational and aggressive - violence can erupt. However, if you can keep your emotions in check then, 9 times out of 10, you can verbally de-escalate and avoid violence.
Most people don’t leave the house in the morning wanting a fight. Sometimes a chain of unfortunate events can escalate their emotions and your interaction with them becomes the last straw - the event that tips them over the edge.
Remember: it’s not about saving face, it’s about staying safe
What is anti-social violence?
Anti-social violence is where a person is intent on causing harm or violence. This could be a pre-meditated attack, where the predator sources a victim and plans what they will do. They view the victim as a resource or a toy for their own enjoyment.
Alternatively, it could be someone who is already angry and goes out fully revved up and looking for a reason to fight. The first person to get in their way or irritate them becomes the target of their displaced aggression.
With anti-social violence, it is virtually impossible to de-escalate the situation verbally. In this case, you need to get away, pre-emptive strike, or fight back (if the attack came as an ambush).
How to decide whether to use verbal de-escalation?
Ask yourself three questions to determine whether to verbally de-escalate or not:
Did they plan this?
If they planned it then verbal de-escalation is not an option. E.g. If someone attempts to rob you by threatening you with a knife then it was planned. It is unlikely you can talk them down. Throw them your wallet or decoy purse etc. and get away.
Are they under the influence/of sound mind?
If they are drunk, on drugs, have an extremist viewpoint or clearly have mental health issues, then it will be hard to de-escalate verbally. These people are not thinking rationally and are unlikely to respond to a reasoned conversation.
How angry are they?
Make a judgement call as to how angry someone is. Are they agitated with a raised voice and getting more wound up? Or are they screaming, bright red and posturing for a fight? The angrier they are, the more difficult it will be to de-escalate.
If you have determined that:
It was spontaneous (and not planned)
They are rational enough to have a dialogue with
They aren’t too angry and it is safe to talk to them
you can follow the stages of verbal de-escalation below.
Verbal de-escalation mindset and safety
While talking someone down or de-escalating conflict, it is crucial that you stay safe by:
Keeping your guard up at all times
Never turning your back on the aggressor
Maintaining at least 2 arm lengths of distance between you
Observing what is happening around you (are their friends joining in, is the situation a distraction for an accomplice etc.)
Being ready to run away or fight if it doesn’t work.
Verbal de-escalation mindset
During the verbal de-escalation process, you will be agreeing, apologising, acknowledging and looking for a solution. You will be doing this even if you feel they are unreasonable and in the wrong - all for the higher goal of avoiding violence.
Inside, you may feel angry and hurt and have a bruised ego but the point here is to play a role and get away without injury.
This behaviour shouldn’t be mistaken as being submissive or a victim and bowing down to the aggressor.
What you are doing is leaving your ego behind and taking control of the situation with confidence.
The part you have to play is that ‘it’s not an issue, I can sort it out, I understand where you’re coming from’.
the Verbal de-escalation process
We recommend following these 4 steps to dissolve a social conflict:
Apologise
Even if it’s not your fault, it is important to apologise from the outset to re-empower the aggressor.
Acknowledge
Acknowledge their right to feel angry/upset/frustrated.
Agree
Empathise with them and agree that what happened is frustrating.
Offer to put it right
Give a solution that puts the situation right.
How this looks in practice
Oh no, I’m so sorry your drink got spilt. I hate it when that happens. Totally agree that it’s annoying. Here, let me buy you another drink.
Sorry, I didn’t realise you were waiting to park in this spot, I was in a world of my own thinking about everything I need to get done! I don’t blame you for feeling annoyed, I know how long we have to wait in this crappy car park. I’ll move my car and you be ready to drive in.
Hey mate, sorry it looked that way but I wasn’t looking at your partner, you must get that all the time though and be so pissed off at it. She’s too beautiful for someone like me. You two look really great together though. Have a great evening.
Oh gosh, sorry, I didn’t realise you were queuing too. What a nightmare this Christmas shopping is, it’s so frustrating all this queuing. You go in front of me, I hate it when people push in.
In most cases, your calm, confident apology should diffuse the situation. If the person is still angry and wants to argue then there are some additional steps you can take:
Repeat your apology and offer to put it right
Sometimes the person needs a little time to process things, so rephrase and repeat what you first said.
Find something in common
Look for some common ground that you can pick up on. This makes more of a connection with them.
Extend your offer to put it right
Depending on the circumstances and level of danger you face, you may need to come up with a better or bigger solution.
Give it one last attempt and then be ready to get away or strike
If the situation is escalating despite your best attempts, ask them the question ‘What can I do to put this right?’. If they say you can’t or continue to repeat their frustration or give an unreasonable demand, then you need to get away or be prepared to make a pre-emptive strike.
If you can get away, this is the preference, run away now. Make your exit but without turning your back on them - this is really important - do not turn your back on them or give them the opportunity to get close to you and attack.
If you can’t get away, feel in imminent danger and that they are going to attack you, then you need to act first with a pre-emptive physical response (we cover how to do this in our self defence training courses). Don’t wait to get hit first as the damage from the first blow can be severe and it can be hard to come back after that.
How this looks in practice
I know how rubbish it is when someone knocks your drink over, I’m sorry. It actually happened to me the other week and it pissed me right off. I tell you what, I’ll buy you and your mates a round of drinks to make up for it.
[Repeat apology, find common ground, offer to buy a round of drinks instead of one]
So sorry about pinching your car park space. I’m having a bad day, the kids were fighting, the washing machine broke down and now I’ve got all these errands to run. You get your car ready now and I’ll go and move mine.
[Repeat apology, find common ground, gently push towards action taking place instead of arguing]
Honestly mate, I wasn’t looking at her. I’m actually looking out for a friend. Don’t you find that there’s always one who is late? Gets on my nerves to be honest but he’s a good mate so we let him off. I don’t know about you, but I’m ready for a few drinks tonight, it’s been one hell of a week. I tell you what, let me buy you both a drink and I’ll go and find my mate.
[Repeat apology, find common ground, buy drinks, distract]
I completely get where you are coming from. I’ve had enough of all this Christmas shopping. I don’t know about you but it always falls to me. My partner doesn’t do any of it! Come on, you go in front of me, I feel bad for pushing in.
[Find common ground, gently push towards action taking place instead of arguing, apologise]
Verbal de-escalation takeaways
It is possible to successfully de-escalate a social violence situation, remember:
It’s not about winning or losing an argument or fight
Even if you are raging underneath, play the role authentically and say what is necessary to avoid violence
Be genuine in your apology and desire to make things right
Your attitude should be calm and confident. The situation isn’t a big deal to you and you would like to fix it
Don’t be submissive or victim-like. Take control and offer solutions
Re-empower the aggressor, give them their respect back and fix any perceived injustice
Don’t get drawn into extended arguments or debates. Use your own judgement and instinct about how well verbal de-escalation is working and whether you need to get away or be ready to use a physical response.
Self defence courses
We hope this blog on verbal de-escalation in self defence gave you some good tips and points to think about.
Verbal de-escalation is one of many topics we cover in our self defence training classes.
We can train face-to-face, via Zoom and we are now developing a range of online self defence courses.
We have two free mini-courses that you can enrol on and access a 25% discount code off our online training.